December weddings

Christmas Wish List

Dear Santa,
Hopefully if I am a good boy this season I'll get all of these...

Christopher Paolini: Eldest
Back pack/Mountaineering back pack
SLR Camera bag
Personal Computer (PC)
Laptop
Hair clipper/razor (so I don’t have to go to the barber shop)
SLR Digital Camera
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
“Happy Feet” Sound track and DVD
DVD: Season 1-5 of QAF
Shoes, size 43 (10)
Coat/Jacket
1Gb (or higher) Flash drive
USB microphone
Board shorts



To be continued...

Design Translation

The Simplicity of a Smile

the simplicity of a smile
sends you off to a land,
where you and i will find
pleasure in hearing
each other's voices;
a moment we will cherish.
your resounding laughter --
the free spirit
lulls me to a deep slumber.
feel the warmth of my hand;
its coarseness --
will certainly
keep you away from
harm's ruthless embrace.

Himig Game Night

A night of Pusoy dos and baby powder.
eeeek! i look like a Buddha!

Have you Ever?

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sunrise (while doing plates)
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby’s diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can (with a pillow on my face)
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath/shower
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends (I sill have)
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench-pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theatre
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to know about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Sword fought for the honor of a woman.
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy (or made me dizzy too *wink*)
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Lied
97. (the real 97) Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
105. Got flowers for no reason
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night-stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Moulin Rouge
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congressperson
133. Packed up and moved to another city to just start over
134. …more than once?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion, or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone’s heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of 100mph or faster?
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery.
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: take, landing, during
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
170. Eaten sushi (love it!)
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for his or her actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one “important” author whom you missed in school, and read him/ her
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. …and gotten 86′ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you.
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Lost your Best Friend for reasons of death
201: Fallen in love over the internet
202: Sung in a Barbers’ Shop Quartet
203: Eaten a live animal
204: Been able to communicate in a language you barely learnt barely three days earlier.
205: Memorized words from Disney movies like Aladdin, Lion King etc
206: Be able to relate to every song that you ever listen.

Happy thought

I was rolling on my bed last night...
Wasn't able to sleep instantly.
While trying to bump my head so I can completely be unconcious.
The colors of the day came back to me.
Happy to be so aware of colors and not be color blind (or not to have a bad perception on colors).
Here it is:

Red for the cold and hot drink that made you feel well;
Green for the smoke that came out cooling my throat in turn;
Orange for the flame that flickers everytime you push a button near your mouth;
Yellow for the light that shone that night;
Violet and indigo for how cool that moment was; And
Blue for the shirt you were wearing.

Para sa mga makata

Sa paglipas ng panahon may mga bagay na minsan gusto mo na lamang kalimutan dahil nagsisi ka kung bakit mo nagawa ang mga bagay na iyon o kaya nama'y gusto mong alalahanin dahil ito'y mga masaya at nagpapagaan ng iyong loob. Marami ang nagsasabi sa akin na baguhin ko daw ang paraan ng aking pagsusulat. "Lagi na lamang malulungkot ang tema ng iyong sinusulat," 'yan ang madalas kong naririnig sa nakakbasa ng aking mga sinulat. Sa tuwing sasabihin nila ito ang tanging masasagot ko lamang ay, "Dito ko lang kasi nalalabas ang lahat ng lungkot sa buhay ko, ang aking pagkasawi at mga bagay na gusto ko na lamang tanggalin sa loob ko upang gumaan agad ang aking pakiramdam.
Sa buhay kong ito marami na ang nangyari. Lahat ng kasiyahan ay nakatago kaibuturan ng aking puso. Samantalang ang mga masasakit na pangyayari ay iniiwan ko lamang upang maging salita -- upang sila ay tuluyan nang maibaon sa limot.
Ilang araw ko na ring hinahanap ang sarili ko. Minsan aking natatanto na siguro ang dahilan nito'y masyado kong ibinibigay ang buong pagkatao at sarili ko sa taong mahal ko -- wala na akong tinitira para sa aking sarili. Isang sobrang gasgas na mga kataga ngunit hanggang ngayon ay may katotohanan pa rin ito sa lahat ng tao. Sa aking paghahanap aking nalaman na kailangan ko na talagang harapin ang lahat ng mga problemang dumarating at darating pa. 'Di ko na dapat isa-walang bahala ang mga bagay ng kailanga'y pinagtutuonan ko ng pansin. Kasama na rin ang mga taong mahalaga sa akin -- lahat silang minamahal ako at yaong mga mahal ko.
Malapit na...
Sana bukas maliwanag na naman ang araw para nakangiti akong babangon mula sa isang mahimbing na pagkatulog upang harapin ang mga magagandang bagay na naghihintay sa akin sa labas ng aking kuwarto.

The Poly Pick-Pocket Experience

The salisi gang works as a group in buses, where they would pretend as passengers. They would sit down around a possible victim and would leave him confused and shocked after robbing him of his belongings.

In this third world country, because of poverty people result to desperate measures, which usually leave someone harmed or impaired. I fell as a victim to such act of desperation.

My cheap 400 peso jeans’ right-side pocket was slashed and the pick pockets got my priceless wallet. Inside it was: php200, a bulk of pictures, calling cards, my ATM, my UP I.D., my Time Zone Card, past UP form 5s and the claim stub for my shoe I had mended.

After the incident I was in total shock and wasn’t able to move. I immediately thought of what was in my wallet (good thing my tuition fee money wasn’t there…) and how the hell did they slash my pocket without even me noticing. Here’s what I remember: one guy sat beside me and was uncomfortably too close to me. I totally ignored him. Minutes before they (the crooks) went down the bus the guy in the back of my seat pretended to be adjusting the window of the ordinary bus I was in, which I made me shift my attention to him. The next thing I saw was my ripped side pocket.

The lessons I’ve learned: 1) when in an ordinary bus try to be cautious and observant. If possible, don’t let anyone sit beside you. 2) Don’t travel alone. 3) This might work: have a wallet that comes with a chain that would be attached to your pants. 4) Don’t other passengers invade your personal space.

Now the paranoia is kicking in. I might not want to travel alone soon…

When the land froze and brought death

He walked while he held his hands tightly together, rubbed them together to generate enough heat to ease the pain that was brought by the coldness of his bones -- it felt like millions of needles puncturing him all at the same time. His mere breath add to the coldness he was feeling. He was sitting in a corner of an alley with garbage cans and filth keeping him company. Once in three hours there would be someone in a trench coat walking past him. He would try and reach out for the thick cloth but he would miss it by an inch because he had no much energy to lift his arms. (to be continued)

Suicide

Now the tables have turned...

But i'm still all alone.
Life has been sucked out of me.

Waiting for the right time to be drenched in blood.

Die once more;
A million deaths.

Vanity Attack Dos

Ang Bahay sa Mahiyain

Bubuksan mo ang pinto at iyong makikita ang nakakalat na mga gamit. Susubukan mo itong ‘di pansinin ngunit ‘pag naglao’y ‘di mo mapipigilan ang sarili mong ayusin ang mga ito.

Sa iyong pagdating babatiin mo ang mga taong nasa harap ng kompyuter. Mistulan silang mga istatua na ang tanging gumagalaw lamang ay ang kanilang mga kamay sa itaas ng mouse at keyboard at ang kanilang mga matang (malalim na dahil sa pagpupuyat) nakatitig halos buong araw sa monitor.

Aakyat ka sa itaas ng bahay at makikita mo na nakahilata sa animo’y kama ang mga taong alam mong pagod na pagod sa pagiisip at paggawa ng plano. Mapapangiti ka na lamang dahil para silang mga batang nakahiga sa lapag at walang paki alam sa mundo, ang tanging ninanais lamang nila ay matulog ng mahimbing dahil bukas sila’y mapapagod na namang muli.

Ilang araw at gabi mong nanaising umuwi ngunit ‘di maaari dahil marami pang dapat gawin at tapusin. Minsan ‘di mo na makakayanan ang pagod at iiyak ka na lamang sa isang tabi o kaya nama’y sa unan na ‘di mo maalala kung sino ang may-ari. May mga panahon ring magkakaroon ng alitan ang mga tao sa bahay, ‘di ka na lamang magsasalita upang ‘di na lumala ang sitwasyon.
Ngunit ‘di naman lahat ay pagod at lungkot. Madalas rin nama’y may bibili ng ice cream at masaya ninyong pagsasaluhan ang isang galon ng kaligayahan. Nariyan rin ang walang katapusang tagisan ng galing sa paglalaro ng pikachu – sino kaya ang mananalo ngayong gabi?

Pero lahat iyon ay kailangang matapos; Lahat kailangang ilagay sa kahon at iuwi sa bahay-bahay ng bawat isa. Ang ibang alaala’y maiiwan dun sa bahay na iyon sa kalye ng mahiyain. Pero ‘di lahat dahil maguuwi ako ng isang isda mula sa pond.

My Dear Sister at 18

For the whole day yesterday I've been trying to conceptualize the whole party of my sister. Aside from organizing her party I have lots of other responsibilities to attend to. and also I need to find some work soon -- I'm totally broke.

Good thing i ignored my mom's rants for a luau party... I definitely wouldn't want to organize such setting.. heheheh
So i ended up repeating one of my friend's sister's debut theme. Jeans.

We did the decor and conceptualization for that two years ago.. But this time it would be bigger and better.
Hopefully my mom won't tighten her pockets...

A significant difference

1 Jan 2003

I really wish that i have made a significant difference in his life. In the first place I am not just here (in this relationship) to be happy and make him happy. I'm here to INSPIRE him; to make him see the other possibilities of living this life.
This is my QUEST, my ode to LOVE.
Many times I tried to destroy this ode. But life goes on. People move on. And for as long as I try to live with this ode in mind i will survuve this journey.
I know I also have my own issues but for as long as I know there is someone (the little kid inside me) I know i will make it.
I am not being SELFISH. But there will come a time that you'll realize that sometimes you need not turn to anyone else but yourself. It is for you to see things on your own. Think for yourself.

Break Up

28 December 2002
2:30 am

I am all alone now...
I can feel the blankness of the space around me closing in. The world an empty space. It seems like nobody even cares for me. I just have myself.
What am I to do?
No one answers my calls, my questions. All I can hear is myself answering back, a faint voice saying, "You'll get through this.. I know you can." Maybe I just need time to be alone and see the true meaning of life in my own perspective. What am I worth?
Why am I experiencing this pain? What can I do to stop this? How can I stop this pain? End my life? I am smarter than that. I experienced things worse than this. I should be strong. I'll try to be even if It will hurt me everytime. I've always been hurt and eventhough this time it's a different circumstance -- it's the same feeling but in a different degree, a higher one.
I'm tired. I am so hurt.
I am really weak. I just act like i'm strong. I'm fool because of that.

Space OCT 2002

I am crying again...
But this time it's different -- I am crying because I am afraid of what's going to happen next. I don't want to think of the possibilities -- the what ifs. I am just afraid. Afraid of losing someone I dearly Love. Bit I know it won't end this way... We have a lifetime to ahead of us. We still have a lot of things to talk about, to share and a lot of love to give.
I guess this is the point when one of us needs a breathing space. It's just that this time it's not me who needs it. And it hurts me to know that I am suffocating someone...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's really hard not to hear from someone who was always where to listen to you before you sleep. An accepting pad, where your stories may land. But sometimes I feel that I want to be that pad too. Maybe it's not for me to expect him to tell me his problems but I wish he would talk more about himself so I can see his life -- to see more of him. I'm just missing him so much.

First Love JULY 2002

What is this I'm feeling? an intense longing to see him again and be with him; To talk to him always even if sometimes I have nothing important to say, I just want to hear that sweet voice. It doesn't feel so wrong though -- this will shock anyone who discovers it.
What am I to expect now? Now that this person is so good to me? I trust him and I believe that he trusts me too. And there are no hesitations, what so ever. I just want this to go on and on FOREVER. Maybe this is the feeling to be loved and to love -- A mutual feeling. But I do feel something for that stupid girl. But I am not sure though of what I am feeling. Is it love or just jealousy because she's now with someone she loves and that I know the friendship will be sort of lost?
I hope I will be happy although I should not expect anything.

Straight Act

Funny incedent:
I was watching television with my mom when out of the blue she told me, "Hmmm... 'Di naman pumipilantik ang kamay mo. 'Di ka naman nagdadamit pambabae. Bakit ka ganyan?" I just answered with a resounding, "Ma! Ang stereotype mo talaga!"

She's really trying to understand me but I guess she will never do. But I so very much appreciate her for always trying to understand me and support me in the best ways she can. Even if sometimes I always hear negative reactions or comments, I know deep inside her she just wants the best for me like any mother want for her child.

It's not mother's day or anything but I just want to say:
Ma! I love you so much!

Miss Kabab

"I actually had a crush on you last year. But then you missent a message to me and i figured you were dating someone. So i told myself that we can just be friends."

We would always walk after class to philcoa. And one time, in our usual "a walk to remember" moments, I just blurted out: I'm gay. She was very surprised to hear that. For the longest time she thought that I was straight.
From that time on we would talk about our life and love stories. She was one of the persons who listened to me. Eventhough sometimes she would ask things about homosexual relationships, which I would be eager to answer, I still feel that we have this connection. What she didn't know was I also had this big crush on her when this friend of my introduced her to me. She seemed to be a snob that time but it was a good thing that i got to know her more because we were classmates in one class. I was her interpreter everytime our teacher would blurt out a tagalog world.
It's sem break so I won't see her that much now. Besides she's probably with her boy friend. But hopefully we get to stay closer as friends.

I miss her...

I am a Fan of

I am a fan of Ma. Katrina Saporsantos.
She left the country just a few days ago and I still feel that I can call her and hang out with her bu she's miles away now.
She was one of the few friends I came OUT to. It was in our duckpin bowling class. We were in the same lane trying to knock stupid bowling pins with a ball the size of a coconut(without the husk). I told her that I was dating a guy and that I was happy to be with him. She asked me why I was telling that to her, I said that she was a dear friend and I would want her to be one of the first persons to know that I am gay. She hugged me after that. I was so happy to have told her. It wasn't the same reaction as my mom's.
I saw her becoming this Opera Star and now she's fulfilling that in New York. I watched all of her recitals and in her graduation recital I helped out by doing some needed props and to my surprise while attending rehearsals, Sir Floy Quintos asked me to be this "shadow" character (extra.. hehehe). I came out as this masked villain luring kids to this candy store.

I miss her company badly she's one of the few friends that I can talk with about my struggles in this community. Hopefully she won't take time in New York...


Before Rina left for NY we pigged-out in Napoli, Fairview

Layout Class

Bo Concept advertisment
Life size ad

For inspiration and the lack of something depressing to write about

hurricane lamp





seed pod pot

Narcissus

Californication

We lost contact and now we are hoping that we didn't.

It was more than a year ago whenI met him. I vaguely remember the details but I guess I had issues that time, so it made things difficult for us. But now we try to fill in on the lost connection. And everytime we would talk it makes us want to see each other more.
Just now we were talking about things that mattered to us and that someday we'll see each other soon.

I just hope it'll be soon...

Call for Pictures

please contribute pictures of "accident prone area" signage.

Send off

I saw him shut down; He put a barrier in front of him. Slowly he slumped on the sofa he was sitting on. He wasn't smiling he just stared at me bewildered.

Before he left for some country to work I surprised him with a poetry reading of the peoms I know he would love -- Poems by Neruda, E.E. Cummings et al. He was taken aback by the surprise and to think that his family and most of his friends were there witnessing the surprise gift I organized myself. I had one of our friends play the piano while the three others read poems before me.

I stood there hands trembling, I ignored everyone except him. I felt that I was just in that room with only him listening to my voice. I read two poems by E.E. Cummings one was to tell him that I still have his heart with me and the other was accepting that I should let him go -- out of the country to work and out of my romantic life to bask in someone else's glory. I was really stopping myself from crying that time and there were occassional lumps in my throat. But I finished the two poems off without embarassing myself.

I wanted to do that regardless of what anyone would say. I didn't mind the criticisms I would soon find out after doing that. I just knew that time that I wanted him to have something to remember, a very small but meaningful gesture, before he stays for a while in a country he's not familiar with.

Today I just reminisce that scene and I believe that I can do better things and that I want to someday say that I am a person who wanted a life, not a normal one, that I can be remembered for.

Recent Works

UST Hospital Residents' Night Poster
Super Hero [power: elasticity]
Hero Costume: Jin Shinobi - The Ninja of Tomorrow [power:force]
Jewelry Tilt: Necklace - Insecta
MuEd Culminating Activity Poster

It's been a busy year for me. Most of the days I do school work. And to earn I try to get commissions so I can pay for the materials I need for school. These are the "stuff" I made for people.

Writer's block

I still am experiencing a major writer's block and I don't know what the reason is. There are about 4 entries in my drafts and they're all opening paragraphs... Sigh..
So I'm writing this movie review (though I don't enjoy doing movie reviews)
Today I just watched Dead or Alive (DOA) and it was about this special tournament for fighters of different disciplines. Well it's main plot is actually the quest of a Princess to find his brother but in the end they stopped an evil plan of this guy Donovan to, with nanobots and a special shades, download the moves of the four greatest fighters and spread them to the world's ambitious fighters so they kick ass!
The movie's actions stunts were great the choreography I really enjoyed but (of course there's a but) they seemed to have compressed all the stunts into about 2 to 3 minutes so after the movie I felt like it was a very long preview of the sequel. Not to mention that they defeated the vilain because the special shades that I was talking about a while ago (where you upload the fighters' skills and moves) flew off from his eyes.. so it gave the Princess a chance to paralyze her using accupuncture. Suit's him! He should have used goggles instead of those stupid shades. Moral: try to look for a new technology that doesn't need shades.

"I want to die young if I'll grow old alone."

I wanna grow old with you...

But it ended..
It was a fun night we tried knotting cherry stems using our tongue. The only one who was really good at it was Edsel.

That night I was trying to seek for myself. I got lost that day. It was the most uncomfortable night I have ever had.

Understanding Physics

He was a free spirit. I caged him, that is why he broke free.
It was when I had no one when he came. He lent me a shoulder to cry on. Tried to cheer me up. But it was my choice to mope. I brought myself to sulk and be bitter with the break up I had. He knew what I was going through and he knew that in time I could choose to go and leave him behind or stay and share moments with him. He told me that happiness is a decision and until now I haven't decided yet. But I am in the process of accepting that someone I loved chose another. And to move on with my life would be the best thing to do.
He was my confidant. He would listen to me intently and let me realize things. I learned much from him. Long time ago I was just a blogger to him, who he thought was an extrovert. But i wasn't. I was more of an introvert. I saw "gayness" in a different light when he came to my life . I would usually fear it when people would discover that I am gay but now I am comfortable with the idea. That is who I am.
He decided for his freedom from the clutches of me -- a rebound guy. I felt bad after he told me that he needs time away from me. But I understood why he had to do it. It was for me also. So I can heal on my own.
If it was the right time, if my heart was whole again.
I would have had moments with him.
But it ended.

Goals

Short Term:
School:
- jewelry plate for ma'am rita, orthographic (due: aug:29)
- (done) Plate for sir mel, advertisment for self
- (done)Download exam questions for ma'am tan-sy
- Plan visual board/story board for ma'am tan-sy
- collect magazines for the visual board

Himig Sanghaya
- think of other projects
- plan stuff for the new HQ
- do agenda for saturdays meeting with the officers
- organize the officers of Himig Sanghaya Choral
- research about putting up a Foundation
- Reorganize IPAP-VA curriculum

Self:
- (done) get a hair cut
- (done) shave!
- arrange a song
- paint something
- (done) send resume to Sir Manny
- find a raket

Long term:
- join competitions (shell, Nikon)
- graduate CFA-ID (Due: Apr 2008)
- graduate BFA-ID (Due: Apr 2009)
- find a job that can support my studies and expenses (Summer 2007)
- move out of the house (ASAHP)
- work in an advertising or design firm
- put up my own design firm

Of Being Alone and Dying

While I walked to the Jeepney stop last night I remembered the times that someone would actually insist on taking me home even if I could manage to go home by myself and it would be a hassle for him to actually do it. Last night was quite different. I went home alone. No hand to hold. No shoulder to lean on. No one to talk to while I rode the jeep to visayas ave.
Last night I realized that I would want to be alone for a while. Think about other things than romantic relationships because these make me remember things. And with these things the depression attacks me again. It's a silent killer. Everyday whenever I would not be doing anything it attacks me from behind. Stabbing me as many times as it can. I feel I'm already dead...
Death is what has become of my life.

My City

I Belong in Paris

You enjoy all that life has to offer, and you can appreciate the fine tastes and sites of Paris. You're the perfect person to wander the streets of Paris aimlessly, enjoying architecture and a crepe.

What European City Do You Belong In?

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

E.E. Cummings

it may not always be so; and i say it may not always be so;and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be,i say if this should be-
you of my heart,send me a little word;
that i may go unto him,and take his hands,
saying,Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face,and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.

Insomnia

I remember, I used to sleep before 11 pm and wake up 10 hours after when I was younger. I was an over sleeper.
Now? I sleep after midnight with colds and cough keeping me company. My chaotic world zeros in at me everytime I try to sleep.
And when I finally get the chance to get to sleep. Dreams try to haunt me with confusion and uncomfort.
Last night's dream was of zombies and a nightmare lady that, when you get caught in her string of fear, sucks all the happiness in you (if I still have some left). I woke up this morning afraid to go back to sleep (reminds me of Freddy Krueger of Nightmare on Elm St.).
Tonight will be probably much the same, still keeping me company is my ever faithful C and C, and adding to the caravan is a bunch of problems I have, both life and love.
Here's a toast to sleepless nights!

Till My Resurrection

I've been checking his email and hoping that i would see a message from the guy I loathe. But there weren't any.
It was impossible that they won't exchange messages.
The last time I asked him he told me that he likes the guy so much. That was a blow to my face - a painful one.

He wasn't sure about me though.
I remember whenever I would ask him he would say, "I don't know.."

The uncertainty killed me.I have been dying since.I can't deal with this anymore.I'm off to the lost lands to hear a lone bird singing a sad lullaby.

Something You are sure of

I chatted with you today...
Wanted to say things like what i did or how i am.
I am not ok.
I'm still hurting but i'm trying to move on with my life.
It's really difficult.
I never felt this coming
.I thought we were fine.
I guess I just was blinded by all the love I have for you.
I asked you how he was... and more questions...and then you said it..

Me: because i felt that we were so in love
Me: that nothing was wrong
you: and we were..
Me: but i guess i was wrong again
you: and we could still be...
you: i dont know..
you: at this point i dont know anymore...
Me: i can't deal with uncertainties
you: what i know is that i also love him already..

I started to get numb after reading that.
I died.
and died again and again..

Several deaths...

Soleil

Fefe always said,"Regrets are a waste of time.
They're the past crippling youin the present."
- Under the Tuscan Sun

Under the Bed

[1] When I was younger I used to hide under the bed in the master’s bedroom and made it as a refuge from the shouts of my mom for lunch. I disliked vegetables, which my mom cooks ever so often. Under the bed was my perfect world. A world of strawberry cream rivers and fruit jelly rain; chocolate tree tops and candy flowers. It was the best place a kid could ever want. Unlike other beds mine had no monsters that chew on blankets and eat unsuspecting kids underneath it.
[2] I felt different growing up; it was not an easy childhood. The kids in the neighborhood would tease me and call me names, sometimes my younger brother would defend me from their name-calling but I was never relieved from the anxiety that it brought me. At that time I did not know why my playmates made fun of me – their reason behind every taunt and laughter. I would usually ignore them. Until one kid started cursing me: “Bakla! Bakla! Ang mga katulad mo ‘di bagay mabuhay sa mundo!” He felt my fist on his face after he said that.
[3] I feared the word (bakla) everytime I would hear it. My mom was one of those who instilled that fear in me. I was in my second grade when my mom accompanied me to school because it was our school’s foundation day. The students of every level were required to dance on the school grounds under the heat of the scorching sun for our field demo. “Oh! Joanna, Hope!” (A song I barely remember. The only words I can hear echoing in my memory is, “Hope, Joanna, hope, Joanna,” repeatedly sung by a guy who seem to chant the lines, not sing them, “Caribbeanishly”) was the title of the song were to groove on to. I felt really uncomfortable with our costume. We seemed to have crossed over from the Caribbean to the rock covered grounds of our school. The boys and girls wore white cotton pants and skirt, respectively, and the same top: red-blue-yellow ruffled sleeves and the white cotton, where the colorful sleeves were connected, was to be tied (think summer of 80s). The only difference was the girls had undershirts and we had none. Before the synchronized shaking of the colorful ruffled sleeves, my mom saw me hiding my nipples by pulling the knot on the shirt tighter. Her eyes widened and discreetly said, “Ano ba… Ayusin mo nga ‘yang galaw mo. Para ka niyang bakla e Ano ba ang kailangan mo itago.” Truth was, as a chubby child I never was comfortable showing off my big boy-boobs and belly to the public. I came to fear the fact that I was gay and I tried to stop myself from being one. The bed became my refuge from my mom’s constant nagging. I stayed there for years.
[4] Every school year I would have different girl crushes and I would let one of my classmates know so he or she would tell my other classmates and start a teasing frenzy between me and that girl. When I was in my first year in high school I had a “crush” on a new student. She never liked me. I told one of my close friends that I had a crush on her and eventually she learned about it. She got awkward with the idea. She did not talk to me for months and that triggered my “romantic” tendencies: I gave her a certificate of apology I made myself; and letters – I wrote sorry letters to her even though I knew that I should not be apologizing. It lasted for a year. She eventually got fed up and confronted me – dumped me in other words. Then came second year and she got together with one of the mediocre boys in school and because of that I got really disappointed so I gave her a card to express my wasted feeling for her. I had a few attempts after that, I even tried to court a close friend of mine but some other guy won over me. I tried to be “normal” but I failed. Under my bed was where my guy crushes were.
[5] I knew that I was gay and that I would want to be with a guy but I was in denial because of the possible disappointment of the people around me (especially my mom). But it was not easy hiding under the bed. I discovered the chat room when I was in college. It was my secret world besides under the bed. I was 17 when I first dated a guy I met from the chat room. He was 25 and was working in a telecommunications company. I acted as if I was straight and he was quite effeminate. I did not like him but I did not know how to dump people all I could do is ignore them or hide from them. We went out 3 times and went to different restaurants every time. He paid the bills through his credit card. I would call him at night; I wanted to hear stories from a man who I know had had lots of exposure with the gay culture. He ended up falling for me. I ignored him after realizing that he wanted to have a relationship with me. I was not ready. I got scared and hid under my bed. I hugged my teddy.
[6] I dated a few guys after that and finally I came out to one of my close friends when I was in the College of music. I was now ready to face reality – that I am gay and I did not have any power to change that. It was in our bowling class and I told her that I was dating a guy. She was not shocked but instead she smiled and hugged me. For the first time in my life I felt “accepted”. I felt confident enough to come out to some of my other close friends. I ignored the fact that some of them might find it offensive (considering two of my closest friends are homophobic).
[7] Slowly, I was creeping out of the comforts of the space under the bed. Coincidences don’t happen. I believe that your actions lead to certain events. While I was inside my room reviewing my lessons, my mom came in and out of the blue she asked me, “Are you gay?” I said a resounding no. She knew that I was lying (I was never a good liar and my mom knows it when I lie), so she asked again. I finally said, yes. She was devastated. She ran to the master’s bedroom crying. I followed her and she closed the bedroom door. My mom sat in the bed wiping her tears; I sat on the bed, my back facing her, and asked her why she was crying. She told me that she was disappointed and scared of me growing old with no one by my side to take care of me. I did not try to defend my side I just sat there crying. More discouraging words came out of her but I forgot most of them or I deliberately erased them from my memory. I was hurt that night. I found comfort under the bed once more.
[8] Soon after, my dad who would usually be working overseas knew about ”me”; he did not try to hit me or violently shove my head into a drum filled with water. Instead, he was silent about it but once on a while he’ll throw sarcastic remarks whenever he would see some gay character on television. “Ano ba ‘yan, puro ka-baklaan! Ilipat mo nga ang tv…” he once remarked when we were both watching a gag show, even though I was unlike the stereotype gay-parlorista you see on television. I chose to stay as masculine as I can be. In my friends’ and family’s eyes I never changed but their views about my gender did. I was now subjugated to too much skepticism like every gay man in the Philippines. Much of it I blame on the macho culture embedded in the system of every Filipino. My dad had it. He never confronted me about my gender. My family tried to shrug it off. I crept out from under the bed.
[9] Out of the comforts under the bed: I was dumped for another; depressed; moved on; infatuated; stumbled and fell face first to the ground; stood up. I loved again – He made me feel more passionate with my art. I can firmly set foot on the ground because he would always be there to hold my hand. Together we watched stars fall and made magic with cardboard boxes. Now, I could say that I would never grow old alone.
[10] “In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers’ past
Until a new one comes along…”
- “And so it goes” composed and sung by Billy Joel

Torture

Woke up tired because of my unending battle with misery. Last night it tried to suffocate me in my sleep but I struggled to stay alive. I woke up in the middle of the night, heart racing, head aching, and hyperventilating. I sat down on my bed and cried. My room was really dark and I barely saw the photographs and graphic designs I posted in my room's walls. I lied down and shivered, feeling the coldness of my room. I fell asleep crying.

Hairwars: The Revenge of the Frizz

My dear sister
She can be a pop-diva with this hair but she needs lots of training for that.

A.K.A. "Art Man"

For most of the summer I was Teacher Allen and Art Man for the kids in Truevalue Rockwell...
Tomorrow is the first day of classes for the first semester and I am so excited to go to school already (it's like when you anticipate Christmas morn -- thinking of the gifts from Santa), I know this semester will be a fun one. But I miss the kids.
There's Baron (5yo). He loves to draw dinosaurs and ask much questions in class. Most of the time he runs around with his classmates around the workshop area while waiting for his mom to fetch him.
Gian (5yo), in our last day of workshop he cried because Baron told him that the heart that he drew in his notebook was ugly. I had to carry him in my arms and talk to him while he was wiping his tears off from his eyes.

Cris (7yo), who always waits for his mom to fetch him. Most of the time he would hug me when i sit beside him. And there was this one time that he tried to take a bite of my fore arm because he was so hungry from waiting for his mom.

Erin (4yo), who has a fraternal twin brother, didn't move in the first activity she did. Her mom told me that this was her way of shutting everything out whenever she would be shy or insecure. But eventually after much baby talk she drew something.

And there's Nico (4yo) who loves cars. We played with his toy cars during the last day. I also taught him a secret handshake. And he would smile everytime I lose from the thumb wrestling.

I have 48 students all in all and if I'd enumerate my experiences with them it would take so much space here. Maybe in my next few posts, you'll see glimpses of the kids' antics.

Kids at Art - Truevalue, Rockwell

Baron, 5

Roxanne, 5 and Cris, 7

Gian, 5

Sean, 4

Nico, 4

Mandy, 6

Art Teacher!!

I grew younger

You Are 8 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Return to Sender

My dad just left today.
He was off to a cargo ship to be a boatswain for 10 months or so, as it always was for years now. I never knew what he does there, though I researched what a boatswain is and here's the definition: 1 : a petty officer on a merchant ship having charge of hull maintenance and related work 2 : a naval warrant officer in charge of the hull and all related equipment.
I honestly am not in good terms with him.
We had a fight just recently, about a monthe ago, about certain issues that were never resolved. Being the hard-headed-ego-centric son that I am and him the macho-introvert-silent-dad that he is (not considering that we have anger management issues too), we never talked nor confronted our problem. Since (what? forever) I realized that I need something more that financial support, I tried to go for juvenile delinquency than being mature about our issues.
I would be branded as selfish (or maybe I am just a psychotic brat), and I know that sometimes (or most of the times) I am. I think I have certain ideas of empowering myself but never to the disadvantege of others, for me that's more of self centeredness than selfishness.
My dad and I never understood what our relationship came to be.

But if i had the chance (or he would read and understand all that's written here) I would want to say:

Pa,
I'm sorry that I couln't be the son you want me to be, I know this is such a cliche but we both live in that premise, I seldom see you as my dad. You don't know why I'm like this and I don't know what you think of me as: your son or just someone who needs support(close to being a patient in a mental institution or someone in a orphanage).
Less the pride, I think our relationship would be better.
I'm sorry pa.
I should have been better than this. I could be but I chose not to be.
I still have to throw all these excess emotional baggages in me.
I still have to change for our own good.
It's me.
I shall be the one to sacrifice.
It's my turn.

Josel

Blue

You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!

http://web.tickle.com/color/index.jsp

Monday Mornings

As I try to write something today, I hear the "distant" guitar strumming of the person I fondly call "dad". I am 23 and still in school. People my age, most of them, are working already; Successful office workers; employees. And here I am still in school. Very much dependent on my parents' money, though sometimes some commission will come my way and that's where I earn my own. Every morning I usually hear a different "wake up call": My mom telling me the importance of time, money and how I waste them because of mot attending my classes (just the other day she insisted on waking me up and I told her that I have no morning class and she did not listen, she continued her "morning sermon") , my "dad" playing the guitar (the only tune he's mastered: Anak by Freddie Aguilar), my used to be phone now just serving as an alarm clock, and the morning sun that scorches my skin (about two months ago I never experineced this because there was a mango tree in our backyard, my dad cut it off).
It's nine in the morning. I have to go and take a shower.
"Dad" is still playing his out-of-tune rendition of Hotel California.
These are the times I wished I never went to the College of Music and developed my "ear".