My dad just left today.
He was off to a cargo ship to be a boatswain for 10 months or so, as it always was for years now. I never knew what he does there, though I researched what a boatswain is and here's the definition: 1 : a petty officer on a merchant ship having charge of hull maintenance and related work 2 : a naval warrant officer in charge of the hull and all related equipment.
I honestly am not in good terms with him.
We had a fight just recently, about a monthe ago, about certain issues that were never resolved. Being the hard-headed-ego-centric son that I am and him the macho-introvert-silent-dad that he is (not considering that we have anger management issues too), we never talked nor confronted our problem. Since (what? forever) I realized that I need something more that financial support, I tried to go for juvenile delinquency than being mature about our issues.
I would be branded as selfish (or maybe I am just a psychotic brat), and I know that sometimes (or most of the times) I am. I think I have certain ideas of empowering myself but never to the disadvantege of others, for me that's more of self centeredness than selfishness.
My dad and I never understood what our relationship came to be.
But if i had the chance (or he would read and understand all that's written here) I would want to say:
Pa,
I'm sorry that I couln't be the son you want me to be, I know this is such a cliche but we both live in that premise, I seldom see you as my dad. You don't know why I'm like this and I don't know what you think of me as: your son or just someone who needs support(close to being a patient in a mental institution or someone in a orphanage).
Less the pride, I think our relationship would be better.
I'm sorry pa.
I should have been better than this. I could be but I chose not to be.
I still have to throw all these excess emotional baggages in me.
I still have to change for our own good.
It's me.
I shall be the one to sacrifice.
It's my turn.
Josel
