Thursday, November 22, 2007
I need rehabilitation
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Allenation v1.0
http://allenation.bravehost.com
I finally (for the longest time) made an online resume. Have to revise the content though. I'm planning my portfolio to be a flash presentation.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
J'taime
D’accord, il existait d’autres façons de se quitter
Quelques éclats de verres auraient peut être pu nous aider
Dans ce silence amer, j’ai décidé de pardonner
Les erreurs qu’on peut faire à trop s’aimer
D’accord la petite fille en moi souvent te réclamait
Presque comme une mère, tu me bordais, me protégeais
Je t’ai volé ce sang qu’on n’aurait pas dû partager
A bout de mots, de rêves je vais crier
Je t’aime, je t’aime
Comme un fou comme un soldat
Comme une star de cinéma
Je t’aime, je t’aime
Comme un loup comme un roi
Comme un homme que je ne suis pas
Tu vois, je t’aime comme ça
D’accord je t’ai confié tous mes sourires, tous mes secrets
Même ceux, dont seul un frère est le gardien inavoué
Dans cette maison de pierre,
Satan nous regardait danser
J’ai tant voulu la guerre de corps qui se faisaient la paix
Je t’aime, je t’aime
Comme un fou comme un soldat
Comme une star de cinéma
Je t’aime, je t’aime
Comme un loup comme un roi
Comme un homme que je ne suis pas
Tu vois, je t’aime comme ça
Je t'aime, je t'aime
Comme un fou comme un soldat
Comme une star de cinema
Je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'aime
Comme un loup comme un roi
Comme un homme que je ne suis pas
Tu vois, je t’aime comme ça
ROUGH
TRANSLATION:
agreed, there existed other ways of parting
if we looked at the bright side it might be able to help us
In this bitter silence, i decided to forgive you
it is the faults that we might do when we love someone so much
agreed the small girl in me often claimed you
you were almost like a mother, you edged me, u protected me
i'm gonna sing you this song that we wont leave each other
in the middle of words and dreams im gonna shout:
I love you, I love you
like a crazy person like a soldier
like a star of cinema
I love you, I love you
as a wolf, as a king
as a man that i'm not
you see, i love you like that
agreed, I trusted you in all my smiles and secrets.
even those, alone whose brother is the unconfessed security guard
In this stony house,
Satan watched us dance
I wanted so much the war of bodies which made peace
I love you, I love you
like a crazy person like a soldier
like a star of cinema
I love you, I love you
as a wolf, as a king
as a man that i'm not
you see, i love you like that
Better days
You Took My Breath Away
TAKE MY BREATH AWAY
(Lyrics by Claire Hamill)
Tuck & Patti
Sometimes it amazes me,
how strong the power of love can be,
and sometimes you just take my breath away.
You've watched my love grow like a child,
sometimes gentle and sometimes wild,
and sometimes you just take my breath away.
* It's too good to slip by,
it's too good to lose,
too good to be there just to use.
Gonna stand on a mountain top and tell the news,
that you take my breath away.
Your beauty is there in all I see,
and when I feel your eyes on me,
ooh don't you know you just take my breath away.
My life is yours,
my heart will be,
singing for you eternally,
oh don't you know you just take my breath away.
Sometimes it amazes me,
how strong the power of love can be,
and sometimes you just take my breath away.
My life is yours,
my heart will be,
singing for you eternally,
oh don't you know you just take my breath away.
Fear. This drives me to madness.
Everyday I try to reconcile the fact, most people say, that I am so lovable and yet it bothers me to be that so-lovable-guy...
What if that drove people away from me?
Monday, October 15, 2007
Time and space
I checked the luminescent hands of my wristwatch.
It was the only visible object in my room.
I lied on my bed, waiting.
Ten minutes passed.
My cellular phone; idle for the longest time.
I tried to reach you; a few rings,
More waiting.
I tried sleeping
So tomorrow I can say that I fell asleep, waiting.
Fixed my bed and arranged my pillows in their usual places on my bed.
I thought of you – the reason behind your disregard of me.
Then I fell into this pit.
But I was too tired to feel anything;
So I uttered no sound,
Not even a yell;
Even though it was a long fall.
The air was damp
And it was dark.
I lied there for a while trying not to move,
Just breathing.
One o’clock,
I saw the shining hands of my wrist watch
From the peripherals of my sight.
I stood up and switched the light on.
I was back in my room.
I got hold of the phone and dialed the number
I knew for months now.
You answered with a cold tone
That sent me shivering inside.
I said goodbye because you couldn’t talk.
At last my used to be idle phone sprang to life;
The sound of millions of crickets stuck inside my head.
I read the message you sent me.
I understood.
I sent myself back to bed
To wait once more.
Two hours after midnight.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Multiple Personality
Crazy
Send in the clowns
Make them laugh
Have them cry
Schizophrenia
To lose someone
Misery
Hear your voice again
Sweet tender words
Utter piercing sentiments
Depression
To be alone
Terror
Slumping in a corner
Staring blankly at the wall
A void inside
Paranoia
Sweet Tooth
Choc-nut Cake.
You will need 3 egg yolks and 1 whole egg, a 300ml can of condensed milk (preferably Carnation or Milkmaid, not Alaska because it has this weird taste), and, of course, Choc-nut – about 5 bars or 10 if you’re really in the mood to make yourself sick.
To create this sweet concoction you have to beat the egg yolks with the whole egg then mix in the condensed milk. Before blending in the Choc-nut in the mixture, crush them, in a separate platter, with a fork or your hand if you want your essence to be included in the cake (this method is most favored by lovers). Put it in a microwave safe container and put it on the microwave oven in the maximum setting for 3 minutes or until you see it puff out of the container like a cake (maybe like a brownie or a brown puffed pillow). Top with confectioner’s sugar. Eat it while it’s warm because if you don’t it’ll look like pancakes when it’s cold.
Post text: Recipe intended just for the consumption of children (5-10 years old) or kid-at-heart folks (like me!).
The Man I Love
The man I love.
And he’ll be big and strong,
The man I love.
And when he comes my way
I’ll do my best to make him stay.
– “The Man I love”, composed by George and Ira Gershwin
The semester had just started and there I was late for my class. I was a few meters away from my classroom’s door when I accidentally bumped into someone. I hurriedly picked up my books, went inside the classroom and sat down. My professor did not notice me because he was drawing a diagram on the board. I slouched on my chair and tried to relax so I would stop hyperventilating.
He was like the son of Venus. He entered the room gracefully as if he was walking on water – each step an effortless movement. His hair was pitch black and it moved like silk floating in the air. He walked towards me. I was staring at him as he came closer. He stopped in front of the chair beside me and, before he sat down, smiled at me. I looked away and pretended to be listening to our professor.
He leaned until his lips were near my ears. Then he whispered, “I’m Alfonso, sorry for blocking your way.” I looked at him embarrassed. “I’m so sorry I hope I did not get hurt,” I said discreetly while our professor was listening to the question of our classmate. His eyes glittered in contrast with the dullness of the cream-colored room. Our professor dismissed the class. I stood up and looked back at him – he was in a hurry drawing the diagram in his notebook that he missed when he went out of the classroom. I smiled and walked away.
After I met him I would usually go to class ahead of time and wait for him to sit beside me. We seldom speak to each other. But sometimes he asks for paper whenever we would have a quiz; what the professor said if he does not catch it; or he would just smile at me whenever I say goodbye after class. Sometimes I would catch him staring at me, he would look away and I would smile at the thought of him trying to pretend he did not like me. Soon after, Alfonso would usually go with me out of our classroom to the jeepney stop. While walking we would have conversations about art and music – from Boticelli to Picasso and Bach to John Williams.
One day after our usual boring class he asked me, “I don’t know how to say this but will you go out with me this weekend for dinner and maybe a cup of coffee after?” I was taken aback with what he said but to my surprise I said: “Yes, that would be fine.”
I arrived thirty minutes earlier in the Persian restaurant. The place was not as crowded as most of the restaurants during weekends. The chairs and tables were filled with vine-like sculpted patterns, which I guessed to have come from the Middle East. While I was trying to amuse myself by counting the glasses of water a man on the table in front of me drank, I could hear soft music from the sitar player on a platform beside the entrance of the restaurant. Alfonso came at exactly seven o’clock. He was wearing a navy blue shirt that accented his toned arms. He smiled when he saw me. When he was settled down he said, “I hope you like the place.” I nodded and asked him, “I never new this kind of place exist here in the Philippines. When did you discover this restaurant?” He told me that his friends would usually tell him good places to dine in. That restaurant was the most recommended place among his peers.
The evening had no dull moments. Alfonso ate slowly and I talked so fast that sometimes he would choke every time I would tell a joke. After dinner we paid our bill and went outside to his car. We drove off to the nearest café. It was just nine o’clock so there were a few customers in the café either sipping coffee or smoking their lungs out. We sat down inside the café on a mint-green-colored sofa. He asked me what coffee I wanted but I told him that I want hot cocoa instead. He went to the counter to order our drink and sat beside me. “I hope we could be free from the misconceptions of the people around us. What’s ‘normal’ in this world anyway?” he said after sipping his cup of espresso. I put down my cup of hot cocoa and said giggling, “Calm down. Don’t be too serious, you might hurt yourself.” He smiled. “It has always been a struggle for most of us and in someway we always tried to be ‘normal’ but in the end we’ll realize that this is what we are and we don’t need to change that.”
Alfonso took me home. It was minutes before midnight and only the streetlights illuminated the way. I was silent while he was driving. I just smiled watching him concentrating behind the steering wheel. He would smile back at me whenever he can. It took us a fifteen-minute drive to finally reach my street. I went down his car and said goodbye. He tried to grab my had but I was out of the car before he got the chance to.
I changed into my pajamas and lied down on my bed. I stared at my orange-painted ceiling and reminisced what had happened to us that day – his smiles, the way he would move his hand while he told a story, the smell of the perfume he had on, and his laughter that seem to reverberate joy to the people around him. I imagined him beside me that night. I hugged my pillow as if it was him. I never had that chance that day to touch him. I slept with the thought of his hand brushing my hair; his fingers touching my lips.
Two months passed and we usually went home together. During weekends we would try and buy an art film from a store nearby school and watch it either at my place or his. It was a Saturday when we watched “Sometimes in April” and I cried most of the time. We were the only ones home and he tried to comfort me by tapping his hand on my shoulder. I told him that I was fine and he stood up and got me a glass of water. Most of the time we would try to be together I would contact him after my classes and ask him if he was free to meet up with me. We would hangout in a coffee shop or just stay in his car and chat.
One evening after a long day at school, I was startled with the realities of this society. I never tried to ask myself if Alfonso was what I wanted but I knew that I was different. I was normal physically and no one would suspect that I was different. But Alfonso knew what I was and I knew that he was…
I was not ready for this.
The next day was a holiday. After breakfast I called him up and asked if he could come over so we could talk. It was the best time because my parents left for Baguio to my grandparent’s. He lived about forty-five minutes away from my house; so I hurriedly took a shower and sat down on our Kamagong sofa to watch television. I fell asleep. I was awakened by the squeaking sound of our gate. I went to the door and saw him glowing under the light of the sun. “Josh, I need to tell you something,” he said while going in the house. I closed the door. We stood there in our living room. He did not say anything. He just looked at me and I knew what he meant. He held my hand. I closed my eyes.
He kissed me…
We'll build a little home
Just meant for two
From which I'll never roam
Oh, what would you
And so all else above
I'm dreaming of the man I love
13 JULY 2006 10pm
Something You are Sure Of
Wanted to say things like what i did or how i am.
I am not ok.
I'm still hurting but i'm trying to move on with my life.
It's really difficult.
I never felt this coming.
I thought we were fine.
I guess I just was blinded by all the love I have for you.
I asked you how he was... and more questions...and then you said it..
Me: because i felt that we were so in love
Me: that nothing was wrongyou: and we were..
Me: but i guess i was wrong againyou: and we could still be...
you: i dont know..
you: at this point i dont know anymore...
Me: i can't deal with uncertainties
you: what i know is that i also love him already..
I started to get numb after reading that.
I died.
and died again and again..
Several deaths...
2006 JULY 13
Till Then
It was impossible that they won't exchange messages.
The last time I asked him he told me that he likes the guy so much. That was a blow to my face - a painful one.
He wasn't sure about me though.
I remember whenever I would ask him he would say, "I don't know.."
The uncertainty killed me.I have been dying since.I can't deal with this anymore.I'm off to the lost lands to hear a lone bird singing a sad lullaby.
A Psychotic Story
This was a futile attempt to mix up the point of views in a story
Open Letter
How did it happen? I suppose he was the one brave enough to throw away everything you shared for the past seven years by saying that he was tired of you and how you try to run his life from him. I adored him for that. He became a “man” for that single moment -- He neither hinted on nor gave you a sign that he finally grew tired of your ways. He felt that he was too tied up with you. But I never saw this kind of rejection from him before.
He was very much active then. For a month, just to finish a single painting, he would lock himself up inside his room, a few dozen of beers and a large can of biscuits (the one they give out during wakes) served as his fuel to last his sleepless nights. When he was done with his painting, he would stare at his finished work for hours until the vivid shades of red, yellow, orange, violet and green would all become a blur. This experience would make him laugh and grin and stare again. For hours, this would be his action; a cycle of silence and amusement. His mom would call him for supper but he would never answer. When she would knock on his room’s door, he would swing it open; the motion would blow away the thin hairs on the forehead of his mom. He would scream irritably at her; telling her that he was not to be disturbed because he was busy with his art. She would be crying after he would stop and bang the door. He would go back to staring at his painting and most of the time he would masturbate in front of it; enjoying the vivid colors change hues and the pleasure he gave to himself.
He was never known as an artist in the high school where he was studying. His classmates considered him as the clown of the class and a talker. He would usually chat with a group of friends during break time. He would talk about the lives of his relatives, enemies, and immediate family; every recount gave the listeners the image of his superiority. He considered himself having abilities no other person had. But this was not always true. He flunked most of his subjects when he was a freshman and took summer classes to make up for them. He had the confidence of a general who won a war against a large army.
You would not think that he was like this before he met you. The day you came along, he was fed up with everything at home. He had occasional fights with his dad and the last one was the worst that was where you came in and took over. You took him out of the house to the streets.
You made him live like a rat roaming the streets with clothes as filthy as his life; most of the time you told him that he was never worthy of having a family that supported him very much. He would sink into a corner of the lamppost where he usually stayed and sound like he was crying but he never did have tears. You told him that he was worthless and that I was the only solution to his problem.
It was not my turn. That was why he dumped you. He accepted me more than you. I brought him home. His family was happy to see him. I was always with him in his room. He embraced me every time. I was his cure. I would be his end.
As I lied down near the lamppost where I usually stayed, I pictured all the paintings I made. My first one flashed inside my head. I was worthless. I came to this world to ruin the lives of the people who cared for me. I am a burden to this world. For years I tried to fit in. But I always failed. This is the end. I always took the easy way out. I had always thought about doing this but time never gave me a chance. I hope my family would forgive me. Goodbye.
Joshua.
of things to be thankful for
1. Had my first time to clean the HQ restroom that has been "waterless" for months
2. Got a graphic design job
3. I get to hangout with Ate Katz, Jean, Harv and Tian almost everyday
4. Still got to sing with the choir ever so often
5. Himig Sanghaya almost 10 years old!
6. I have readers
7. I get to eat the food i really like
8. See the sunrise
9. See the Big Dipper every night
10. The north star
11. Having watched the movie STARDUST
12. Enjoying Harry Potter Book7
Friday, October 12, 2007
The Ram
| Aries - Your Love Profile |
 |
A Born Natural Seducer
| Your Seduction Style: The Natural |
 Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast. |
I Got Older
| You Are 16 Years Old |
 |
Christmas WISHLIST 2007
I'm starting my list early. Anyone out there who's willing to give these to me?
PLEASE I'm desperate!!!
;)
Mobile phone
Christopher Paolini: Eldest
Back pack/Mountaineering back pack
SLR Camera bag
iMac/MacBook
Hair clipper/razor (so I don’t have to go to the barber shop)
SLR Digital Camera - Canon D400
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
“Happy Feet” Sound track and DVD
DVD: Season 1-5 of QAF
Shoes, size 43 (10)
Coat/Jacket
2Gb (or higher) Flash drive
USB microphone
Board shorts
120gb external hard drive
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Emotional Activism
The memories that
Come rushing
Back to me.
I try
To clear
My head;
My battle cry
Echoing:
Death to
Promises and Lies,
Hope and Sacrifice!
Friday, September 14, 2007
Uncanny resemblance
My long lost brother?
Someone told me that this is a picture of the son of Cherry Gil...
Am i supposed to be Allen Gil?
Friday, August 31, 2007
Sorrow
The voice of
What you are reading now,
You would not bare listening to it.
It's like how
The blackness of the dark feels
When the sun is about to rise --
Every second
It tries to fight
The eminent threat
But it could not.
It just gets comfort from
The crow after crow
Of roosters that wake
The sleeping town.
Though, it knows that before
The last minute
It can hide behind
Someone's back
As a shadow.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Friday, June 08, 2007
Impressionism
Everyday I feel like a coconut floating in open sea waiting for the current to bring me to the beach where I would take root and grow into a strong tree that can withstand storms.
Until now I do not know when I would see that beach. All I see now would be the abyss below me.
Tomorrow I know i won't look forward that much in spending time playing in open water. I easily get tired of the endless charades with the creatures of the deep -- their only intention is to distract me from treading.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
What my dreams came to be
- What dreams may come
I started smoking last October 2006 and it has been quite some sort of rebellion against myself. I never wanted to even try smoking but certain events in my life lead to the destruction of that ideal. I tried to destroy myself that time. And it was a learning experience: Never stop dreaming eventhough the life you've been hoping for was lost.
I realized that I don't have build dreams with someone. All I should do now would be to realize my dreams and work on it, if someone would come along, all I have to do is share those dreams of mine not build something together that I know would definitely end when the relationship falls apart.
I try to live with myself now. Everyday I face problems with work and it has been distracting my emotions.
Smoking also distracts me and I know that it is bad for my health. But soon an epiphany will come. Hopefully it comes before I die of Lung cancer.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Frost Bite
Envelopes my nakedness.
The breeze
An icy-needle like blanket.
I lay still.
Breathing shallow.
Eyes heavy
with frozen tears.
My body
shivering.
Cold.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Self-Confessed Alcoholic
The ones i lost.
I guess I won't find them.
Tomorrow i'll be stuck in limbo.
My complicated life will be now as simple as going to and coming from the stressful environment called work.
Now i feel empty as the bottles of beer in front of me.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Dissonance
I tried
To play a song
In my head
But now
The melody
Has faded
And I'm left
With a memory
Of broken
Chords and Silences.
Haunted melodies
Of the past.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Restless
Each tear drop is caught by the leaves of a dying plant.
It neither brings life nor health but pain.
Tomorrow my garden of hope will die.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Insomnia 125
I hear roosters trying to communicate with their fellow;
My body tired from the long day;
But still my mind is restless.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Dreaming
You tried to ease the pain by holding my hand
But everytime you tried my hand would tremble
And I would let go.
You were a few miles away from me
When i looked back
Still crying.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Birthday Wishlist
and here are some things that will ease the pain that age brings me
i'm now 15 in a few years i'll be out of my teen years
Mobile phone (so i can change my old crappy lcd phone which i'm using now because the phone dad my dad gave me gave up on me)
Christopher Paolini: Eldest
Back pack/Mountaineering back pack
SLR Camera bag
iMac/MacBook
Laptop
Hair clipper/razor (so I don’t have to go to the barber shop)
SLR Digital Camera
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
“Happy Feet” Sound track and DVD
DVD: Season 1-5 of QAF
Shoes, size 43 (10)
Coat/Jacket
1Gb (or higher) Flash drive
USB microphone
Board shorts
80gb external hard drive
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Sunday, April 01, 2007
I Like For You to be Still
I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away and my voice does not touch you.
It seems as though your eyes had flown away
and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth.
As all things are filled with my soul
you emerge from the things, filled with my soul.
You are like my soul, a butterfly of dream,
and you are like the word Melancholy.
I like for you to be still, and you seem far away.
It sounds as though you were lamenting, a butterfly cooing like a dove.
And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:
Let me come to be still in your silence.
And let me talk to you with your silence
that is bright as a lamp, simple as a ring.
You are like the night, with its stillness and constellations.
Your silence is that of a star, as remote and candid.
I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
distant and full of sorrow as though you had died.
One word then, one smile, is enough.
And I am happy, happy that it's not true.
Tonight I Can Write
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
Friday, March 30, 2007
4 4FOUR4 4
1. Piano Teacher
2. Voice Teacher
3. Art Teacher
4. Photoshop Artist
FOUR MOVIES I HAVE WATCHED OVER AND OVER
1. RENT!
2. (It's cheezy but true, watched it 4 times) Titanic
3. A.I.
4. What Dreams May Come
FOUR PLACES I HAVE LIVED:
1. Pacita Complex, San Pedro, Laguna
2. Proj6, QC
3. Kalibo Aklan (2 weeks)
4. Isabela
FOUR TV SHOWS I LIKE TO WATCH:
1. Grey’s Anatomy
2. HEROES!!!
3. Just for Laughs
4. The Simpson's
FOUR PLACES I HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:
1. Kalibo, Aklan
2. Boracay (for just two f***ing days)
3. Isabela
4. Quezon
FOUR OF MY FAVORITE FOODS:
1. Pasta
2. Burger
3. Sashimi
4. Salmon Sashimi
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
The Pictures that matter
It's been two months and slowly I'm getting the twists and turns of work. I stopped school and worked because I wanted to get out of the comforts of the institution that's been nurturing my ideals; I want to experience the "real world".
