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Saturday, December 25, 2004

holiday cheers and fears

Imagine your ideal Christmas...
Mom and dad laughing together while you and your siblings open your gifts under an enormous Christmas tree. In a round table eating noche buena while exchanging stories of the past Christmases you had. You'll sleep and then by morning you'll have your Christmas day lunch in a fancy restaurant. Afterwhich you'll stroll along a lovely park merrily singing Christmas songs while holding each other's hand. You'll go home tired from all the laughing and story-telling. You and your siblings will be talking about what you saw in the park; the boy who tripped; the beautiful lady in red eating strawberry ice cream while walking her cute white puppy; one of your neighbors who you accidentally bump into. The conversation will end and all of you will fall into a deep slumber. Hope fills all of you that tomorrow will be as happy as it was that Christmas day.
You wake up from the dream you had...
You find yourself in a room with your brothers. You sleep alone in the corner. You dream alone. Your mom wakes you up with a tone that forces your ears to shut. You try to sleep again but you find her voice deafening. You stand up and say, "I'm awake!" She would get hurt. She would deliver a monologue that can be included in an Academy Award winning movie. You shut your ears once more. The sound of her voice you can feel but you refuse to listen.
Alone...
You feel alone; most of the people you cared for left you. And most of the people you care for don't give a damn about what you feel. Lonely. Blue from trying to breathe the last remaining air in the soon to be vacuum space you're in.
You try to live your life; cling to someone who could help you. Risk yourself from being hurt again. You're not sure of anything; no assurance of happiness. But you have to try and free yourself from the clutches of the void that's been eating up your insides. Live your life again. You have your life back.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Wishing You A Merry Pasko Medley and Joy To The Three Kings That Heard The Angels On High

'Twas a night of bells, joys, wishes, cheers, smiles and long walks to greet souls a Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year.
What a tiring night it was. Before the giving of holiday cheers we sat down and ate goto near the houses that we're going to try and collect aguinaldo for our christmas party. We need to raise much money to feed about 50 people. (That would be 22 College choir members, around 20 High School members and 10 children's choir memebers.)
I especially liked one house we went to because after singing a song a kid went running towards the door in pyjamas holding two 5 peso coins and that made most of us giggle. She was so cute that even though she gave us a relatively small amount it gave this air of optimism. The hope that we would reach our quota.


HIMIG SANGHAYA CHORALE

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Nightmare

It was a night of manananggals (even jolibee was made to be one), tikbalang, serena, and of course our very own lantern the bakunawa. The Bakunawa was very much appealing to kids because of its "fishiness". Kids would sometimes shout and call it Nemo, others Stitch because of it being a fish (and nemo is a fish), and it has this blue face with red glowing eyes (like stitch). Two kids actually fought over the resemblance to those characters.
A year ago I would jog (but i mostly do brisk walking) around the academic oval for an hour doing about 3 to 4 rounds but the walk while holding the banner of our lantern and the stop overs for a show-off of the lantern was quite exhausting(aside from the exhaustion from the past days of making that somewhat flying fish).
First time i did go to the lantern parade and actually be included in it. It proved to be a rewarding experience. The cheers and jeers of the crowd will make your heart beat faster and make your adrenaline rise up to your head. The joy of being in the parade can never be compared to a trip to the restroom. It's somewhat more relieving than that. :-)


Here is Nemo... Stitch... whatever.. and the ID Crew

Random Questions

Is loving someone really a risk? Would you risk loving someone new rather than going back with someone who hurt you? How do you move on? Would you try and forget the one who hurt you? Or would you rather still communicate with him and face everything eventhough you know everytime you're risking yourself from being hurt from the stories you're hearing?
How would you know if someone's caring for you? If someone likes you, how would you know it would work? Will time tell?
If there's no assurance for happiness or contentment will you commit in a relationship? Is killing one's self the answer in ending depression?
When will contentment come in a person? Are the simple joys of life worth being happy about? How can one value himself?
When do one cross the boundary between selfishness and selflessness? Is it worth being selfless?

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Can someone forgive and never forget?

Forgive me…

I was so desperate to create a scheme to have you come back to me. I used the people around you to justify my ends. And in the end I failed. It was a crazy idea. I was destroying myself. Destroying your respect to me.

A liar, yes I am. Forgive me for trying to create some altered universe that we can both live in.

You said, “You're still hurting me...” I shrugged. I was guilty of that crime – a crime of you would never try to forget. I remember not long ago you told me, “You’ve hurt me more than I hurt you!” I did. So you left me because of that. It was never because of him. If it was not because you loved another for you to have left me, you should have now come back to me, because you see something lacking in him – depression is running your life as you told me. I hope I am wrong.

Do you still love me amidst the entire mistakes and the sufferings I’ve caused you?

Loving you despite all the odds is trying to be hopeful on something hopeless. Impossible. I tried to hide everything but I never really was successful in hiding how I still felt for you. I do still love you.

Nobody can ever stop me from saying… I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH…

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Venus de Milo

A sketch I made a night before I auditioned for Fine Arts - Industrial design.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Styrophobia

fear of styrofoam.

When you get to work with styrofoam for almost 16 hours straight and you haven't had a decent sleep you'll somewhat experience this high from the smell of cut styrofoam (or i thought it had a scent) and afterwhich you'll wake up and see that you're surrounded by tons and tons of cut styrofoam; the sound of styrofoam being cut reverberates in your ears; you feel numb, dizzy and you feel like vomitting.

It's been a hectic week and I am foreseeing that next week would be a hell-week...

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Piano keys, a music sheet and you

Went in front of the piano and sang songs of ric segretto, when i chanced upon martin nievera's say that you love me. I sang the song, thought of all the things that happened and got a music sheet from inside my piano chair and started playing the piano. Every strike the sound of pain I hear. I wrote that pain down arranged it so the only one who can notice it is the one who caused it. Done with the first few stanzas. Stopped to think of the proper sound of the refrain. I want it to sound like the song has a new meaning. A meaning that would state my emotions.

But will you say that you love me?
And show me that you care
Say when I need you,
You will always be there
But if you go and leave me
This I swear is true
My love will always be with you.

Color hues, tints, shades and the wheel

Warm: yellow, yellow orange, orange, red orange, red, red violet
Cool: violet, blue violet, blue, blue green, green, yellow green
My eyes are starting to shut. My brain is completely dead. I have this bites from mosquitoes... itchy! I'm so tired...
And to think while i was manually doing the plates in the future we won't need those paints and brushes anymore because most of the people now favor digitally made graphic designs... And to think what I am doing now can be done so fast and conviniently on a computer. Outrageous! A simple click and there you have the pattern another click you have the colors! I know it's part of the training as artists but why must we suffer as our brothers did suffer too! If only I was responsible enough I wouldn't be cramming (my weakness). 3 more panels and I'll be done wish me luck. Let the universe conspire so I'll be done with this plate!

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Quite a boring day

Nothing much happened today. Well the usual stuff in drawing class I posed for Jo, I chose to lie down on three stools so I'll be comfortable. And then it was my turn to draw her he just sat there while drawing another person (for our previous plate she missed) took me a while to get all the draperies on her clothes... 'Twas tough but I managed to finish on time. And then there was materials class and we are so damn lacking of time... I hope we could finish the lantern before the 16th! May the universe conspire in the finishing of our prized lantern.

Of missing you and missing you not

If you were to ask me if I miss you... I do.
You told me you miss me too and that the raging war between the both of you is far from over. I just can't seem to put the pieces together. Everything seems to be so jumbled up in a pile where no piece seem to fit at all. Impossible.

A Christmas Bread Full of Surprises

Woke up with much anticipation.
The air was cool and it seems like it's telling me to savor its coolness.
I kissed the morning air.
It smelled of wild flowers and berries.
I lay on my bed enjoying the coolness and the scent.
But soon noon came.
The sun's rays made the air warm.
It rose to the heavens and it was gone.
Soon I'll feel it once more.
The coolness and the sweet scent.
Till then I'll sit here and remember.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Of Fairy Tales and A Kingdom Full of Ferns

I'm on my way home. Had this exquisite time with kings, queens, princes, princesses and faries. It was the 18th birthday of my cousin. There were several "technical difficulties" that happened during the event (no offense i would properly call it boo-boos). But all in all it was a very successful event. I sang for my cousin. That's the least help I can do or the best gift I can give. I sang the only song that's comfortably in my range and probably the only song I've memorized by heart, The Way You Look Tonight. The ride home was literally fast and literally bumpy. I remember on e passenger saying, "para tayong nasa enchanted ah..." I giggled.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

A long and boring super typhoon day.

Good thing it's not raining anymore and Laguna wasn't affected so much by the Super typhoon. But I was. I got a lot to do but I don't seem to be finishing anything. It might be the weather or I've lost something or maybe someone. Quite a drama-filled statement but can't I romanticize things.. I think I have a right! This is my life anyway! Hehehe

I tried to watch TV but nothing's there. Just the old stuff... Cheesey local series, pointless game shows, info-loaded music videos and corny variety shows. I ended up being online and looking for pics of nude male and female for my drawing class. Tough luck I wasn't able to find a decent pic (literally and figuratively). So i decided to listen to my a capella music while I'm typing this post.

More on my, hopefully this won't go on until tonight, cold boring rainy day in my next post.