holiday cheers and fears

Imagine your ideal Christmas...
Mom and dad laughing together while you and your siblings open your gifts under an enormous Christmas tree. In a round table eating noche buena while exchanging stories of the past Christmases you had. You'll sleep and then by morning you'll have your Christmas day lunch in a fancy restaurant. Afterwhich you'll stroll along a lovely park merrily singing Christmas songs while holding each other's hand. You'll go home tired from all the laughing and story-telling. You and your siblings will be talking about what you saw in the park; the boy who tripped; the beautiful lady in red eating strawberry ice cream while walking her cute white puppy; one of your neighbors who you accidentally bump into. The conversation will end and all of you will fall into a deep slumber. Hope fills all of you that tomorrow will be as happy as it was that Christmas day.
You wake up from the dream you had...
You find yourself in a room with your brothers. You sleep alone in the corner. You dream alone. Your mom wakes you up with a tone that forces your ears to shut. You try to sleep again but you find her voice deafening. You stand up and say, "I'm awake!" She would get hurt. She would deliver a monologue that can be included in an Academy Award winning movie. You shut your ears once more. The sound of her voice you can feel but you refuse to listen.
Alone...
You feel alone; most of the people you cared for left you. And most of the people you care for don't give a damn about what you feel. Lonely. Blue from trying to breathe the last remaining air in the soon to be vacuum space you're in.
You try to live your life; cling to someone who could help you. Risk yourself from being hurt again. You're not sure of anything; no assurance of happiness. But you have to try and free yourself from the clutches of the void that's been eating up your insides. Live your life again. You have your life back.

Wishing You A Merry Pasko Medley and Joy To The Three Kings That Heard The Angels On High

'Twas a night of bells, joys, wishes, cheers, smiles and long walks to greet souls a Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year.
What a tiring night it was. Before the giving of holiday cheers we sat down and ate goto near the houses that we're going to try and collect aguinaldo for our christmas party. We need to raise much money to feed about 50 people. (That would be 22 College choir members, around 20 High School members and 10 children's choir memebers.)
I especially liked one house we went to because after singing a song a kid went running towards the door in pyjamas holding two 5 peso coins and that made most of us giggle. She was so cute that even though she gave us a relatively small amount it gave this air of optimism. The hope that we would reach our quota.


HIMIG SANGHAYA CHORALE

Nightmare

It was a night of manananggals (even jolibee was made to be one), tikbalang, serena, and of course our very own lantern the bakunawa. The Bakunawa was very much appealing to kids because of its "fishiness". Kids would sometimes shout and call it Nemo, others Stitch because of it being a fish (and nemo is a fish), and it has this blue face with red glowing eyes (like stitch). Two kids actually fought over the resemblance to those characters.
A year ago I would jog (but i mostly do brisk walking) around the academic oval for an hour doing about 3 to 4 rounds but the walk while holding the banner of our lantern and the stop overs for a show-off of the lantern was quite exhausting(aside from the exhaustion from the past days of making that somewhat flying fish).
First time i did go to the lantern parade and actually be included in it. It proved to be a rewarding experience. The cheers and jeers of the crowd will make your heart beat faster and make your adrenaline rise up to your head. The joy of being in the parade can never be compared to a trip to the restroom. It's somewhat more relieving than that. :-)


Here is Nemo... Stitch... whatever.. and the ID Crew

Random Questions

Is loving someone really a risk? Would you risk loving someone new rather than going back with someone who hurt you? How do you move on? Would you try and forget the one who hurt you? Or would you rather still communicate with him and face everything eventhough you know everytime you're risking yourself from being hurt from the stories you're hearing?
How would you know if someone's caring for you? If someone likes you, how would you know it would work? Will time tell?
If there's no assurance for happiness or contentment will you commit in a relationship? Is killing one's self the answer in ending depression?
When will contentment come in a person? Are the simple joys of life worth being happy about? How can one value himself?
When do one cross the boundary between selfishness and selflessness? Is it worth being selfless?

Can someone forgive and never forget?

Forgive me…

I was so desperate to create a scheme to have you come back to me. I used the people around you to justify my ends. And in the end I failed. It was a crazy idea. I was destroying myself. Destroying your respect to me.

A liar, yes I am. Forgive me for trying to create some altered universe that we can both live in.

You said, “You're still hurting me...” I shrugged. I was guilty of that crime – a crime of you would never try to forget. I remember not long ago you told me, “You’ve hurt me more than I hurt you!” I did. So you left me because of that. It was never because of him. If it was not because you loved another for you to have left me, you should have now come back to me, because you see something lacking in him – depression is running your life as you told me. I hope I am wrong.

Do you still love me amidst the entire mistakes and the sufferings I’ve caused you?

Loving you despite all the odds is trying to be hopeful on something hopeless. Impossible. I tried to hide everything but I never really was successful in hiding how I still felt for you. I do still love you.

Nobody can ever stop me from saying… I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH…

Venus de Milo

A sketch I made a night before I auditioned for Fine Arts - Industrial design.

Styrophobia

fear of styrofoam.

When you get to work with styrofoam for almost 16 hours straight and you haven't had a decent sleep you'll somewhat experience this high from the smell of cut styrofoam (or i thought it had a scent) and afterwhich you'll wake up and see that you're surrounded by tons and tons of cut styrofoam; the sound of styrofoam being cut reverberates in your ears; you feel numb, dizzy and you feel like vomitting.

It's been a hectic week and I am foreseeing that next week would be a hell-week...

Piano keys, a music sheet and you

Went in front of the piano and sang songs of ric segretto, when i chanced upon martin nievera's say that you love me. I sang the song, thought of all the things that happened and got a music sheet from inside my piano chair and started playing the piano. Every strike the sound of pain I hear. I wrote that pain down arranged it so the only one who can notice it is the one who caused it. Done with the first few stanzas. Stopped to think of the proper sound of the refrain. I want it to sound like the song has a new meaning. A meaning that would state my emotions.

But will you say that you love me?
And show me that you care
Say when I need you,
You will always be there
But if you go and leave me
This I swear is true
My love will always be with you.

Color hues, tints, shades and the wheel

Warm: yellow, yellow orange, orange, red orange, red, red violet
Cool: violet, blue violet, blue, blue green, green, yellow green
My eyes are starting to shut. My brain is completely dead. I have this bites from mosquitoes... itchy! I'm so tired...
And to think while i was manually doing the plates in the future we won't need those paints and brushes anymore because most of the people now favor digitally made graphic designs... And to think what I am doing now can be done so fast and conviniently on a computer. Outrageous! A simple click and there you have the pattern another click you have the colors! I know it's part of the training as artists but why must we suffer as our brothers did suffer too! If only I was responsible enough I wouldn't be cramming (my weakness). 3 more panels and I'll be done wish me luck. Let the universe conspire so I'll be done with this plate!

Quite a boring day

Nothing much happened today. Well the usual stuff in drawing class I posed for Jo, I chose to lie down on three stools so I'll be comfortable. And then it was my turn to draw her he just sat there while drawing another person (for our previous plate she missed) took me a while to get all the draperies on her clothes... 'Twas tough but I managed to finish on time. And then there was materials class and we are so damn lacking of time... I hope we could finish the lantern before the 16th! May the universe conspire in the finishing of our prized lantern.

Of missing you and missing you not

If you were to ask me if I miss you... I do.
You told me you miss me too and that the raging war between the both of you is far from over. I just can't seem to put the pieces together. Everything seems to be so jumbled up in a pile where no piece seem to fit at all. Impossible.

A Christmas Bread Full of Surprises

Woke up with much anticipation.
The air was cool and it seems like it's telling me to savor its coolness.
I kissed the morning air.
It smelled of wild flowers and berries.
I lay on my bed enjoying the coolness and the scent.
But soon noon came.
The sun's rays made the air warm.
It rose to the heavens and it was gone.
Soon I'll feel it once more.
The coolness and the sweet scent.
Till then I'll sit here and remember.

Of Fairy Tales and A Kingdom Full of Ferns

I'm on my way home. Had this exquisite time with kings, queens, princes, princesses and faries. It was the 18th birthday of my cousin. There were several "technical difficulties" that happened during the event (no offense i would properly call it boo-boos). But all in all it was a very successful event. I sang for my cousin. That's the least help I can do or the best gift I can give. I sang the only song that's comfortably in my range and probably the only song I've memorized by heart, The Way You Look Tonight. The ride home was literally fast and literally bumpy. I remember on e passenger saying, "para tayong nasa enchanted ah..." I giggled.

A long and boring super typhoon day.

Good thing it's not raining anymore and Laguna wasn't affected so much by the Super typhoon. But I was. I got a lot to do but I don't seem to be finishing anything. It might be the weather or I've lost something or maybe someone. Quite a drama-filled statement but can't I romanticize things.. I think I have a right! This is my life anyway! Hehehe

I tried to watch TV but nothing's there. Just the old stuff... Cheesey local series, pointless game shows, info-loaded music videos and corny variety shows. I ended up being online and looking for pics of nude male and female for my drawing class. Tough luck I wasn't able to find a decent pic (literally and figuratively). So i decided to listen to my a capella music while I'm typing this post.

More on my, hopefully this won't go on until tonight, cold boring rainy day in my next post.

Silence...

Silence.
No thoughts

the ring...

I took it off friday...
It's like a big change in me. I don't seem to expect someone to come back to me anymore... Sad but true.
But sometimes I panic whenever I feel my ring finger -- I don't have the ring on my finger anymore. I was used to it being there just as I was used to you being there for me. Maybe that's how it is to let go of someone; to set him free so he will be happy.
I'm slowly waking up from the dream I had with you and now I'm facing reality on my own. People come and go. I have only myself to think about now. Focus on. In the first place I should have been complete as a person before I entered a realtionship.
We thought we could help each other with our problems, our "self-problems". We were wrong. We can not change someone the way we think what he wants o be. It's for him to define what he wants, where he''ll be contented to and how he'll achieve his goals. We can only share what the other person has by being in the background, knowing that he's doing it for his own and because he wants us to be a part of his life.

My day without you

Woke up with the alarm of my cellular phone. I ate breakfast. Took a bath and left for school. Slept in the bus the entire trip, I just don't want to think of the past... I want to dream about you.
I arrived in school on time. Did my plate and left for the college of music. I went there to meet up with Aritz. She told me you contacted her. I asked her what you told her. My insides started going crazy... I don't know what feeling that was but it was mixed emotions. I told her when you contacted her. Monday she said. I told her we are officially off sunday... I'm with her now in an internet cafe... Later my groupmates and I will be surveying the Metro for fountains for our tour proposal. Hope you read my blog whenever you're online. I just want you to know what's happening with me. Even if we are not talking. This would be the way I want you to see my life from a distance.

And So It Goes

by Billy Joel

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I’ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows

Of dreams and of reality

Finality...
Reality...
Sometimes you dream of things that can not be...
That's why it's just a dream -- an illusion of reality.
But when reality pushes you into a cliff you'll realize things..
What you really want -- the realities of the life you dreamt of.
A contradicting statement but that's how life is -- full of contradictions, opposites and differences.
You learn to live with these contradictions and make it a norm in your life.

You seek what you are? TRY LOOKING DEEP WITHIN YOU.
Other people can never help you. If you want to know your purpose in this world try asking yourself if you've been selfish enough to take care and decide for yourself without the influence of others. Without their confusing statements, which are not yours. If you want to help yourself seek that innocence within you. The little kid inside of you.

We shared things. Less the life and the thoughts we have put, philosophy, music, life, religion-- our individual interests. We always argue... But our arguments tend to go personal and in the end one will say, "Yeah, you're right."

All things are connected. Things happen for a reason. But your decisions change the connections and some of the people you meet on the way will lose this connection with you. Maybe in the near future they'll see you again. You'll be connected again. The universe will conspire if you will allow yourself to want something.

This may be full of angst but it's angst that make me write things. It's a stupid statement but that's how I see it.

An experience with the void

I slept around 2 am last night...
I was thinking of the things we talked about; pondering on what decision you would make.
When at last my mind broke down and I lie down on my bed and fell asleep instantly. I was swiftly falling down into a pit of pitch-black darkness. I fell into this empty space - the void. There was no one except me. Nothing was there just the blackness of the space and of the floor I'm standing on. It was cold there. I felt so alone. Slowly the memories of you came into my mind. As I slowly reminisce the past a somewhat hologram of the events came into the void. I was like watching us together as another person, outside my body. I smiled every time you laughed. That laugh means so much to me. It's the release of happiness from you to be accepted by me. The memories of you flashed land flashed and then it stopped. It ended in one night when I was holding your hand in a movie house, I was holding it tightly, and I had the feeling that I would never let go. I woke up, my cellular phone in my hand. It was beeping and vibrating. I pressed cancel. I closed my eyes and lay in my bed. After five minutes I got up went to the kitchen and had breakfast.

In the home of a depressed martyr masochist

I am missing you...
I woke up reading your message in my cellular phone. I expected a call but i knew you wouldn't call. Slowly I'm beggining to feel hopeless. And I'm accepting the fact that you might not come back to me. I recorded songs for you. I went to searching my dad's videoke collection. And recorded a few songs. It was bad...

You and this depressed martyr masochist

I am waiting for your call...
I guess I was used to the late night talks with you. I release all the tension, pressures, depressions through our talks. A day's experience is not complete without hearing you. I won't sleep well if I don't hear you say, "Good Night!" and "I Love You Too (a reply)". I held your hand tightly a while ago... I wished that I would never lose you. I wanted to ask things but I guess we both need to clear our minds.
Most of the time my paranoia attacks...
It's like being in an enclosed place like an elevator perhaps without light and a little air inside. I catch my breath. I breathe slowly then die, the pain still lingering in my death.
You said this was torture... for me this is death...
Slowly life is being sucked out of me...
The life I knew seem bare and naked revealing its insides, full of sorrow and hatred for myself.
When will I get my life back?

The Depressed martyr masochist and his agony

I dreamt of you...
A weird dream that included your mom in it. I called you on the telephone in the dream. She answered with a hello. She said you weren't home (but you were). And told me: "You know Mike... para namang 'di mo kilala anak ko..." an implication of her knowing me; telling me something like I was someone close to her. When I woke up I had this longing to see you, to hold you. Touch you. To know that you're real. That you still existed, not only in my dreams, in the real world, my life.
Gloom covered most of my face the whole morning everybody in class even my professor noticed it. She said, "You're not your usual talkative self. Are you sleepy?" I gave her a faint smile, my eyes still having that look of tears almost falling yet it's dry because of the intensity of my thoughts.
I want to see you...
My morning class was dismissed early. We were asked to research on things and were to submit the assignments the next meeting. I sat down and put my head on my fore arm on the table. I was asleep... eventhough there were endless noises from my classmate's laptop and the loud conversations of my classmates. You rang me up. I awoke. You couldn't see me today. I said it's ok. I wanted to. But you said you couldn't. I agreed. The intense longing to see you disappeared. I had no afternoon class. I left school.