the ring...

I took it off friday...
It's like a big change in me. I don't seem to expect someone to come back to me anymore... Sad but true.
But sometimes I panic whenever I feel my ring finger -- I don't have the ring on my finger anymore. I was used to it being there just as I was used to you being there for me. Maybe that's how it is to let go of someone; to set him free so he will be happy.
I'm slowly waking up from the dream I had with you and now I'm facing reality on my own. People come and go. I have only myself to think about now. Focus on. In the first place I should have been complete as a person before I entered a realtionship.
We thought we could help each other with our problems, our "self-problems". We were wrong. We can not change someone the way we think what he wants o be. It's for him to define what he wants, where he''ll be contented to and how he'll achieve his goals. We can only share what the other person has by being in the background, knowing that he's doing it for his own and because he wants us to be a part of his life.

My day without you

Woke up with the alarm of my cellular phone. I ate breakfast. Took a bath and left for school. Slept in the bus the entire trip, I just don't want to think of the past... I want to dream about you.
I arrived in school on time. Did my plate and left for the college of music. I went there to meet up with Aritz. She told me you contacted her. I asked her what you told her. My insides started going crazy... I don't know what feeling that was but it was mixed emotions. I told her when you contacted her. Monday she said. I told her we are officially off sunday... I'm with her now in an internet cafe... Later my groupmates and I will be surveying the Metro for fountains for our tour proposal. Hope you read my blog whenever you're online. I just want you to know what's happening with me. Even if we are not talking. This would be the way I want you to see my life from a distance.

And So It Goes

by Billy Joel

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I’ve held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It’s just as well for all I’ve seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That’s if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you’re the only one who knows

Of dreams and of reality

Finality...
Reality...
Sometimes you dream of things that can not be...
That's why it's just a dream -- an illusion of reality.
But when reality pushes you into a cliff you'll realize things..
What you really want -- the realities of the life you dreamt of.
A contradicting statement but that's how life is -- full of contradictions, opposites and differences.
You learn to live with these contradictions and make it a norm in your life.

You seek what you are? TRY LOOKING DEEP WITHIN YOU.
Other people can never help you. If you want to know your purpose in this world try asking yourself if you've been selfish enough to take care and decide for yourself without the influence of others. Without their confusing statements, which are not yours. If you want to help yourself seek that innocence within you. The little kid inside of you.

We shared things. Less the life and the thoughts we have put, philosophy, music, life, religion-- our individual interests. We always argue... But our arguments tend to go personal and in the end one will say, "Yeah, you're right."

All things are connected. Things happen for a reason. But your decisions change the connections and some of the people you meet on the way will lose this connection with you. Maybe in the near future they'll see you again. You'll be connected again. The universe will conspire if you will allow yourself to want something.

This may be full of angst but it's angst that make me write things. It's a stupid statement but that's how I see it.

An experience with the void

I slept around 2 am last night...
I was thinking of the things we talked about; pondering on what decision you would make.
When at last my mind broke down and I lie down on my bed and fell asleep instantly. I was swiftly falling down into a pit of pitch-black darkness. I fell into this empty space - the void. There was no one except me. Nothing was there just the blackness of the space and of the floor I'm standing on. It was cold there. I felt so alone. Slowly the memories of you came into my mind. As I slowly reminisce the past a somewhat hologram of the events came into the void. I was like watching us together as another person, outside my body. I smiled every time you laughed. That laugh means so much to me. It's the release of happiness from you to be accepted by me. The memories of you flashed land flashed and then it stopped. It ended in one night when I was holding your hand in a movie house, I was holding it tightly, and I had the feeling that I would never let go. I woke up, my cellular phone in my hand. It was beeping and vibrating. I pressed cancel. I closed my eyes and lay in my bed. After five minutes I got up went to the kitchen and had breakfast.

In the home of a depressed martyr masochist

I am missing you...
I woke up reading your message in my cellular phone. I expected a call but i knew you wouldn't call. Slowly I'm beggining to feel hopeless. And I'm accepting the fact that you might not come back to me. I recorded songs for you. I went to searching my dad's videoke collection. And recorded a few songs. It was bad...

You and this depressed martyr masochist

I am waiting for your call...
I guess I was used to the late night talks with you. I release all the tension, pressures, depressions through our talks. A day's experience is not complete without hearing you. I won't sleep well if I don't hear you say, "Good Night!" and "I Love You Too (a reply)". I held your hand tightly a while ago... I wished that I would never lose you. I wanted to ask things but I guess we both need to clear our minds.
Most of the time my paranoia attacks...
It's like being in an enclosed place like an elevator perhaps without light and a little air inside. I catch my breath. I breathe slowly then die, the pain still lingering in my death.
You said this was torture... for me this is death...
Slowly life is being sucked out of me...
The life I knew seem bare and naked revealing its insides, full of sorrow and hatred for myself.
When will I get my life back?

The Depressed martyr masochist and his agony

I dreamt of you...
A weird dream that included your mom in it. I called you on the telephone in the dream. She answered with a hello. She said you weren't home (but you were). And told me: "You know Mike... para namang 'di mo kilala anak ko..." an implication of her knowing me; telling me something like I was someone close to her. When I woke up I had this longing to see you, to hold you. Touch you. To know that you're real. That you still existed, not only in my dreams, in the real world, my life.
Gloom covered most of my face the whole morning everybody in class even my professor noticed it. She said, "You're not your usual talkative self. Are you sleepy?" I gave her a faint smile, my eyes still having that look of tears almost falling yet it's dry because of the intensity of my thoughts.
I want to see you...
My morning class was dismissed early. We were asked to research on things and were to submit the assignments the next meeting. I sat down and put my head on my fore arm on the table. I was asleep... eventhough there were endless noises from my classmate's laptop and the loud conversations of my classmates. You rang me up. I awoke. You couldn't see me today. I said it's ok. I wanted to. But you said you couldn't. I agreed. The intense longing to see you disappeared. I had no afternoon class. I left school.