A significant difference

1 Jan 2003

I really wish that i have made a significant difference in his life. In the first place I am not just here (in this relationship) to be happy and make him happy. I'm here to INSPIRE him; to make him see the other possibilities of living this life.
This is my QUEST, my ode to LOVE.
Many times I tried to destroy this ode. But life goes on. People move on. And for as long as I try to live with this ode in mind i will survuve this journey.
I know I also have my own issues but for as long as I know there is someone (the little kid inside me) I know i will make it.
I am not being SELFISH. But there will come a time that you'll realize that sometimes you need not turn to anyone else but yourself. It is for you to see things on your own. Think for yourself.

Break Up

28 December 2002
2:30 am

I am all alone now...
I can feel the blankness of the space around me closing in. The world an empty space. It seems like nobody even cares for me. I just have myself.
What am I to do?
No one answers my calls, my questions. All I can hear is myself answering back, a faint voice saying, "You'll get through this.. I know you can." Maybe I just need time to be alone and see the true meaning of life in my own perspective. What am I worth?
Why am I experiencing this pain? What can I do to stop this? How can I stop this pain? End my life? I am smarter than that. I experienced things worse than this. I should be strong. I'll try to be even if It will hurt me everytime. I've always been hurt and eventhough this time it's a different circumstance -- it's the same feeling but in a different degree, a higher one.
I'm tired. I am so hurt.
I am really weak. I just act like i'm strong. I'm fool because of that.

Space OCT 2002

I am crying again...
But this time it's different -- I am crying because I am afraid of what's going to happen next. I don't want to think of the possibilities -- the what ifs. I am just afraid. Afraid of losing someone I dearly Love. Bit I know it won't end this way... We have a lifetime to ahead of us. We still have a lot of things to talk about, to share and a lot of love to give.
I guess this is the point when one of us needs a breathing space. It's just that this time it's not me who needs it. And it hurts me to know that I am suffocating someone...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's really hard not to hear from someone who was always where to listen to you before you sleep. An accepting pad, where your stories may land. But sometimes I feel that I want to be that pad too. Maybe it's not for me to expect him to tell me his problems but I wish he would talk more about himself so I can see his life -- to see more of him. I'm just missing him so much.

First Love JULY 2002

What is this I'm feeling? an intense longing to see him again and be with him; To talk to him always even if sometimes I have nothing important to say, I just want to hear that sweet voice. It doesn't feel so wrong though -- this will shock anyone who discovers it.
What am I to expect now? Now that this person is so good to me? I trust him and I believe that he trusts me too. And there are no hesitations, what so ever. I just want this to go on and on FOREVER. Maybe this is the feeling to be loved and to love -- A mutual feeling. But I do feel something for that stupid girl. But I am not sure though of what I am feeling. Is it love or just jealousy because she's now with someone she loves and that I know the friendship will be sort of lost?
I hope I will be happy although I should not expect anything.

Straight Act

Funny incedent:
I was watching television with my mom when out of the blue she told me, "Hmmm... 'Di naman pumipilantik ang kamay mo. 'Di ka naman nagdadamit pambabae. Bakit ka ganyan?" I just answered with a resounding, "Ma! Ang stereotype mo talaga!"

She's really trying to understand me but I guess she will never do. But I so very much appreciate her for always trying to understand me and support me in the best ways she can. Even if sometimes I always hear negative reactions or comments, I know deep inside her she just wants the best for me like any mother want for her child.

It's not mother's day or anything but I just want to say:
Ma! I love you so much!

Miss Kabab

"I actually had a crush on you last year. But then you missent a message to me and i figured you were dating someone. So i told myself that we can just be friends."

We would always walk after class to philcoa. And one time, in our usual "a walk to remember" moments, I just blurted out: I'm gay. She was very surprised to hear that. For the longest time she thought that I was straight.
From that time on we would talk about our life and love stories. She was one of the persons who listened to me. Eventhough sometimes she would ask things about homosexual relationships, which I would be eager to answer, I still feel that we have this connection. What she didn't know was I also had this big crush on her when this friend of my introduced her to me. She seemed to be a snob that time but it was a good thing that i got to know her more because we were classmates in one class. I was her interpreter everytime our teacher would blurt out a tagalog world.
It's sem break so I won't see her that much now. Besides she's probably with her boy friend. But hopefully we get to stay closer as friends.

I miss her...

I am a Fan of

I am a fan of Ma. Katrina Saporsantos.
She left the country just a few days ago and I still feel that I can call her and hang out with her bu she's miles away now.
She was one of the few friends I came OUT to. It was in our duckpin bowling class. We were in the same lane trying to knock stupid bowling pins with a ball the size of a coconut(without the husk). I told her that I was dating a guy and that I was happy to be with him. She asked me why I was telling that to her, I said that she was a dear friend and I would want her to be one of the first persons to know that I am gay. She hugged me after that. I was so happy to have told her. It wasn't the same reaction as my mom's.
I saw her becoming this Opera Star and now she's fulfilling that in New York. I watched all of her recitals and in her graduation recital I helped out by doing some needed props and to my surprise while attending rehearsals, Sir Floy Quintos asked me to be this "shadow" character (extra.. hehehe). I came out as this masked villain luring kids to this candy store.

I miss her company badly she's one of the few friends that I can talk with about my struggles in this community. Hopefully she won't take time in New York...


Before Rina left for NY we pigged-out in Napoli, Fairview

Layout Class

Bo Concept advertisment
Life size ad

For inspiration and the lack of something depressing to write about

hurricane lamp





seed pod pot

Narcissus

Californication

We lost contact and now we are hoping that we didn't.

It was more than a year ago whenI met him. I vaguely remember the details but I guess I had issues that time, so it made things difficult for us. But now we try to fill in on the lost connection. And everytime we would talk it makes us want to see each other more.
Just now we were talking about things that mattered to us and that someday we'll see each other soon.

I just hope it'll be soon...

Call for Pictures

please contribute pictures of "accident prone area" signage.

Send off

I saw him shut down; He put a barrier in front of him. Slowly he slumped on the sofa he was sitting on. He wasn't smiling he just stared at me bewildered.

Before he left for some country to work I surprised him with a poetry reading of the peoms I know he would love -- Poems by Neruda, E.E. Cummings et al. He was taken aback by the surprise and to think that his family and most of his friends were there witnessing the surprise gift I organized myself. I had one of our friends play the piano while the three others read poems before me.

I stood there hands trembling, I ignored everyone except him. I felt that I was just in that room with only him listening to my voice. I read two poems by E.E. Cummings one was to tell him that I still have his heart with me and the other was accepting that I should let him go -- out of the country to work and out of my romantic life to bask in someone else's glory. I was really stopping myself from crying that time and there were occassional lumps in my throat. But I finished the two poems off without embarassing myself.

I wanted to do that regardless of what anyone would say. I didn't mind the criticisms I would soon find out after doing that. I just knew that time that I wanted him to have something to remember, a very small but meaningful gesture, before he stays for a while in a country he's not familiar with.

Today I just reminisce that scene and I believe that I can do better things and that I want to someday say that I am a person who wanted a life, not a normal one, that I can be remembered for.

Recent Works

UST Hospital Residents' Night Poster
Super Hero [power: elasticity]
Hero Costume: Jin Shinobi - The Ninja of Tomorrow [power:force]
Jewelry Tilt: Necklace - Insecta
MuEd Culminating Activity Poster

It's been a busy year for me. Most of the days I do school work. And to earn I try to get commissions so I can pay for the materials I need for school. These are the "stuff" I made for people.